What do you think?

I like to say that I don't care what people think, but deep down (well, probably not so deep down, at least to the people who know me best) I really do care. I wish I didn't so much. While I'd love to let things just roll off my back like water off a duck, I typically let them sink in - nice and deep. I let them burrow in and irritate me. And then I tend to have bitterness issues. Oh, I don't really talk about it. Much. But I think about it a lot. All kinds of nasty thoughts flitting through my head. Things I could have said in retaliation, or smart remarks that would have dropped the jaws of the other party. Oh, yes. I think. Too much, I fear.

For far too long, I've thought about what others think. I've anticipated any possible reaction to the things I do or say (or write). And for far too long, I've spent far too much energy on worrying about those reactions. Even if I haven't always shown it.

I've been slowly coming out of a dry season in my faith. Everybody has them at some point, whether you want to admit it or not. And just because someone has a dry season doesn't mean that they're "falling away" or "on the wrong path," for example. It means that they're facing questions. It means that things have come up in life that don't fit into a neat little box. It means that maybe - just maybe - they're human. They're not perfect. They've fallen. And perhaps they need help up, instead of being kicked while they're down.

So, this dry season - it's been tough. I've described it to a couple of friends as feeling as though I was stuck inside a statue: I could see things happening around me - life, movement, the things I needed to do - but I was stuck inside this marble and I couldn't move. And maybe a part of me didn't care to move. It's not a happy place, being stuck. But I feel like God is beginning to melt the ice that I'd let form around me. He's breaking through again, warming my veins. I can feel my heart beating again - slowly, perhaps, yes. But beating. With life, with energy. With a desire for God's will. 

I'm beginning to shake off these chains that have bound me for a while now. Stretching my arms and legs, wiggling my fingers and toes. Where I had been asleep, I feel a tingling, and I just have to move.

I may not be perfect. In fact, I'm not perfect. No one among us is. We are all human, and, as Paul wrote, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Rom. 3:23, NIV). But that means that we are all on equal footing. God - Jesus Christ - has and can save us all. And He saves me, even now.

If it weren't for Christ, I don't know where I'd be. I'd probably be somewhere completely different. I may not be with my husband right now. But our God is an awesome God, and He found me where I had fallen, and He carries me. Times get tough every now and again, but I'm so glad that He doesn't look at me for my circumstances, but with the gracious eyes that see His Son in me.

And I need to remember that His eyes and His thoughts are the only ones I need worry about.

Winter Tree

I did my first painting tonight. A few friends have mentioned doing birth art and/or art therapy, and the idea sounded very interesting to me, as I've had a lot on my mind and heart lately. So, I got a pad of paper and some watercolors and finally sat down to do my first painting. Here is the result:

The colors are a little washed out, as this is a photograph of the painting. But I think I like the look of it with the lighter blue background.
I'd had this image stuck in my head for a few days of a silhouetted tree against a blue background. So, that's what I painted. I just thought I was painting a tree. But my subconscious sort of took over.

I just recently experienced a miscarriage. It's been a pretty difficult month since then, and I've known that I had feelings buried about it, as well as about my previous losses.

I showed my husband the picture, and he told me how the uprooted tree represents our miscarried child, and my friend added that the snowflakes represent the coldness and pain that I'm feeling. And then I realized, also, that the rounded shape of the blue background is very womb-like. It's amazing what our subconscious can do if we let it. And it is also amazing how healing the process of creating simple picture of three colors can be.

So, this is my watercolor painting, which I've titled "Winter Tree." And it is in honor of our lost child, whom we have decided to call Rowan.

**In memory of Rowan Lutes, November 9, 2010**

miscarriage

you slipped into my consciousness
just long enough
to be barely noticed.
then you slipped
away.

now that you're
gone
i feel your absence
like a gaping wound
in my soul.

i miss you,
though i never
knew you.

Loving Our Enemies

Nine years ago today, the World Trade Center was hit by two planes that had been commandeered by Muslim extremists. Every person in the world has a different memory of their experience of that day. Some remember receiving a phone call from their loved ones who were on one of the planes; some never got to say goodbye. Others watched helplessly as people they knew jumped from the toppling buildings live on tv; some were on the streets at Ground Zero giving out shoes and water to those trying to escape the falling towers. And then some of us were in classes, at work, or, like me, just waking up, when we first heard the news.

I woke up when my mom called me from work. That was the first indicator that something was very wrong. She told me haltingly that I needed to go turn on the tv right now, so I hurried down the hall in my pajamas and flicked on the tv. I think I actually flipped through several channels, but the scenes were the same everywhere: live footage of the World Trade Center with smoke pouring out of it. I hurriedly woke my husband and we went into the living room. The first tower had already fallen, but as we sat on the couch and watched in stunned horror, a second plane crashed into the second tower, and it, too, fell.

I don't remember anything that any of the newscasters said; I don't remember what I did later that day. I just remember watching the towers fall and thinking how incongruous it was that in New York City (and around the world, in the families of those affected) there was this mass devastation, and yet outside my window, the sky was blue, the birds were chirping, and it was a beautiful early autumn day.

I have prayed often that God would bring peace and closure to anyone who was affected by the events of September 11, 2001, whether they be direct victims of the attack, family of victims who died, or even people involved in the planning and implementing of the attacks. Yes, even them. First of all, God calls us to love our enemies and pray for them. This would include those Muslim extremists. That doesn't mean that we have to agree with what they did, or their philosophy on life, or anything. Praying for someone, even forgiving them, never means that you're saying that what they did was okay or right. It just means that God has brought you to a place where you can be at peace - with what happened, with the people involved, with yourself, and with the past and the future.

We don't have to agree. But we do have to love, and pray. Jesus says in Luke 6:

     "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse  
     you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If
     someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if
     anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to
     you.


     "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And
     if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you
     lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,'
     expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting
     to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is
     kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

     "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive,
     and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken
     together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured
     to you."                      (Luke 6:27-38, NIV)

Now, it may just be me, but I don't read anywhere in these passages where Jesus tells us to retaliate if our enemies do bad stuff to us. He doesn't even say that we should "defend" what's ours (like, say, at the risk of being "blasphemous," our country), but rather, give more of it to those that take it. Someone takes my coat, I should give him my shirt, too. Someone punches me in the face, I shouldn't punch back. Even if he does it again.

This ideology is in direct opposition to patriotism. I've long found it difficult to reconcile following Christ with being an American. And while I am by no means saying that we should hate America, or that America is evil, or that Jesus is anti-America, I am saying that "the American Dream" is not Christian philosophy. In America, we take pride in ourselves, in our country, in the things we do and own, in the power we have to shape our own futures. I agree that we should be grateful that we have such freedom. But the conflict comes when we offer our allegiance to both these ideals and to Christ. "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other" (Matthew 6:24). Whenever we have "two masters" that conflict, we must make sure that the one we choose to constantly follow is Christ.

So even though I love America - the freedoms we have to be who we want to be, to worship as we feel led, and to seek our fame and fortune if we so choose - I cannot live in a duality serving both Christ and America. When it comes right down to it, I will serve Christ, even if that means loving the people that bomb our cities, kill our soldiers, and attempt to displace Christianity with their religion. I must still love them, and serve them, even while they hate me, mock me, destroy the things my country stands for. I must defend them, because they are God's children also. Our families have suffered at their hands, yes. But their families have suffered too. Terrorists are people, too. And even though they may be my "enemies," they are my brothers, because we were all created in the image of God, and because of this, they deserve to be loved.

Also, I just want to be clear that, while I'm not in total agreement with war, I very much appreciate the dedicated soldiers who have left home, family, comfort, and given countless hours - and many, even their lives - to protect us. Even though I may not be in full agreement with what America stands for, I can still appreciate those who serve our country, and on this day, this anniversary of grief and death, I honor you, soldiers, who are voluntarily fighting for justice and dignity all over the world.

And to the families of those who have lost loved ones, whether in acts of terror, or through their loved ones' dedication to serve, I pray that God would give your souls peace, that your hope in humanity may be restored, and that, above all, you may forgive those who have hurt you, even as Christ forgives us.

Sometimes

Sometimes I have to look at pictures of my first baby to remember that I ever had her. She was here so briefly, only one hour forty-three minutes. So short a time. And now I have Megan, who's edging ever closer to being a year old. She's a living, breathing, crawling, trying-to-stand-up-by-herself baby. And sometimes I forget that I had one before her. I look at the pictures of Genna and only then do I remember what it was like when her tiny fingers ever-so-slightly gripped around my "little" finger. Only then do I remember that I had to have the nurse take her away when I knew she wasn't with us anymore. Only then do I remember what it was like to see her tiny body cold in a casket.

And then I cry, not only because I miss her and wish I'd had the opportunity to raise her also. But because I so easily forget.

I mean, really, she's somewhere inside my soul, always. But not often on the surface of my awareness. She's like the faint whisper of a dream I had a long time ago.

But when I remember, she rises up in the forefront of my mind, and I see how I think she would look right now. She would be almost two and a half years old. But would she be walking, talking? What would her life be like had she survived? Sometimes, I shudder to think of it. Sometimes, I think she is better off where she is now - in the arms of Jesus.

But that doesn't change the fact that I miss her.

Thoughts on Being a Vegetarian in a Fast-Food World

I don't know about anyone else, but fast food just seems difficult to escape. Eating out in general seems to be a huge trend now, a regular thing, rather than just a treat for a family to get out of the house. I know in our household, eating out is a pretty regular thing, unfortunately. (We really want to change this, it's just become such a habit over the years, such an easy thing to turn to when we get lazy. We're so ridiculously over-privileged in America and we totally take it for granted. Many people would love to just have like 1/20th of what I have for a meal, and they'd be happy. So sad. Digressing...)

As part of their advocacy against cruelty to animals, Peta encourages people to adopt a vegan diet (or at the very least vegetarian, but they argue against the use of dairy and egg products on cruelty counts as well). This is all fine and dandy. As a matter of fact, I agree with their arguments for the most part, and I am on the path to veganism myself. However, I find it sort of hypocritical of them to promote such veganism and then tell people that they can go to most restaurants, including fast food places, and get vegan meals (i.e., Taco Bell, Burger King, etc.). Now, it may be just me, but if I purchase a combo from Taco Bell, even if it's a completely vegan combo, they still get my money, right? And what do they do with that? They put it back into the meat industry, so they can get their ground beef and shredded chicken, etc. So, essentially, even though I can get a vegan meal from Taco Bell, I'm still supporting an industry that promotes animal cruelty.

Am I wrong? This just seems like an illogical argument to me, on Peta's part.

If they want to be completely consistent, they should just drop the "you can eat vegan pretty much anywhere!" argument and just encourage people to cook at home and bring food with them in sustainable containers. That would be most in line with their position, and we would all be eating vegan meals with our families instead of chowing not-so-healthy food from a fast-food place where we throw out the dishes we use and contribute to more animal cruelty, even if it is inadvertently.

I did read this article on dining out veg style, and while I get that they want to promote veg eating in places where carnivores eat, I still kind of think that, if they're stance is against the meat/dairy/egg industry, and pretty much every restaurant deals with the meat/dairy/egg industry in some way, then they should not be so quick to tell people to eat out.

Just a thought, you know.

Random Earth-friendliness

I didn't go vegan for lent. But I still feel in my heart that I'm headed toward veganism. At this point, I've no clue how to get ALL traces of dairy and eggs out of my life. Sometimes it feels a bit overwhelming financially to think of going vegan - trying to find dairy and egg free breads, cereals, substitutes for baking and cooking, etc etc. And my husband is quitting his job to go back to school this fall, so that puts even more pressure on me to make sure that, if I go vegan, I do it healthily.

I'm also realizing that my vegetarianism over the past 2 1/2 years has made me think about a lot of things I've taken for granted over the years, i.e., what I throw in the trash, how/where/by whom my clothes are made and what they're made of, extra stuff in the foods I eat (preservatives, additives, processed sugars, msg, etc), consumerism, and, on a more personal level, how I take care of what God has already given me (i.e., how I keep my house, how I tend my relationships). It's amazing how one little decision can turn out to be such a big decision and affect so many area's of your life that you never even thought were connected.

I've realized that returning to Eden involves so much more than just not eating meat. It requires us to decide willingly that we will love and respect all of creation, because that's how God originally created the world. And in order to do that, we have to love and respect not just animals (as in, not killing them and eating them), but we have to love and respect other humans as well, which is sometimes the more difficult task.

I've recently come across several resources for "greener" (i.e., more godly) living that look pretty amazing, and I'd like to share them, because I really believe in them. I'm listing them below, but also adding them to my links list.

Blessed Earth
Creation Hope
The Wonder of Creation
not one sparrow
with those who

Ellie, the Veal Calf

I was thinking back the other day to the first time I remember actually being concerned and grossed out and truly saddened by the idea of an animal being killed.

I grew up in a rural town in Pennsylvania, where we got a day off school each year for opening day of hunting season. I, along with all my classmates, had a hunting safety class in 6th grade. (I never got my license, though.) I grew up hearing stories of how my mom always went hunting & fishing with her dad when she was growing up, and how these times were great bonding experiences.

I had a great bonding experience of my own when I was about ten. I had a friend whose aunt owned a farm (pretty common where I grew up, actually). One day, while I was visiting her, we went to her aunt's farm to see the cows.

There was a terrible stench in the barn. I remember the pungent smell assaulting my nose as I walked in. I didn't understand then why it smelled so bad. Now I know that veal calves are kept on liquidy diets so they always have diarrhea - this helps them to be more lean for when they are slaughtered and turned into veal parmesan.

My friend and I walked through the rows of calves tied up in small stalls. I petted their noses as I passed by, thoroughly enjoying their warmth, soft fur, and the affectionate way they would nuzzle me as I stood in front of them.

One particular calf seemed to like me a lot. And I liked her. So much so that I named her Ellie.

I loved Ellie. I had all these dreams about owning Ellie and petting her and grooming her and just taking care of her. I think I mentioned this to my friend a few weeks later, and she looked at me like I was crazy.

"Ellie's dead," she said bluntly.

I was in shock. She explained to me that Ellie was on her way to being chopped up for someone's dinner. I went home and cried. I didn't understand how, after meeting her, someone would want to kill her.

Sadly, it wasn't until 2 1/2 years ago I stopped eating meat. I wonder how many other deaths like Ellie's I contributed to over the years.

I still think of Ellie sometimes, her big, sad brown eyes looking into mine as she nuzzled into my side.

And sometimes I still miss Ellie.

Witnessing to all (?) creation...

I've been thinking lately about animals. Especially since I'm a vegetarian, you know, I think about the whole issue of why we shouldn't kill animals. At first, I was soft on the issue. "Well, we shouldn't kill animals in mass numbers. That's just wrong. But I guess if you hunt it/fish it/raise it on a family farm and then kill it, it's not so bad." And then I read some stuff on PETA's website about how animals feel pain. How mama animals love their young and actually want to be mothers.

Now, I can relate to this, because I'm a mother.

And then I started thinking about - wait for it, Christians! - animal souls. Yes, you read that correctly. My whole life growing up, I learned that animals didn't have souls and humans did, and this is why we are different. Humans aren't "just another animal." Family members (and other members of our faith community) were horrified and outraged if anyone classified humans as animals. Like it was shameful to be placed on the same level as them.

So, I turned to my bible as my source of information. I mean, God's word has to be good for something, right? So, why not find out why we believe what we believe from it?

I found that Ecclesiastes 3 (the famous "there is a time for everything" chapter) held some interesting information for me.


This, of course, raised some questions. The main one, though, deals with us having the same breath.


I'm about to get a little nooma on you.


In the 14th nooma video "Breathe," Rob Bell talks about how, historically, the name for God found in Exodus (where God tells Moses to tell the people "I AM THAT I AM"), the word "Yahweh" or "Jehovah," (rendered YHWH in the Anglicized version) actually is a sound word - literally onomatopoeia - for breathing. Bell says that the words for each letter are Yod Heh Vah Heh, signifying the intake and outlet of breath, and that the Hebrew words for "breath" and "spirit" are the same.


If you think about this, wouldn't that then mean that, when the writer of Ecclesiastes says "all have the same breath," this refers to the breath of life God breathed into us? Traditionally, this breath breathed into Adam has signified God's spirit (which makes sense, if "breath" and "spirit" are the same thing). 


But then, does this mean that animals have spirits too?


Honestly, I'm tending to lean more toward the "yes" side of this argument. And you can say what you will. But from my experience with some amazing animals, I wonder: how can they not have spirits?


As for the part of Ecclesiastes 3:21 ("Who knows if the spirit of man rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?"), I don't know. We as humans don't even know enough about our own souls and/or spirits to decipher stuff like that for ourselves.


But, following this train of thought, I sort of maybe witnessed to a dog recently.


Back in February, I was visiting my mom & sisters in South Carolina. My mom has two dogs: Andi and Razz. They're both some kind of mix of shepherd and chow, we think. Razz is Andi's puppy.


Andi is now over 10 years old, and she recently had some digestive issues that had mom concerned that she might not have much longer. While I was visiting, there was one night in particular that we all thought Andi wouldn't make it through the night. She was incredibly weak, but she was also in pain, and so she stood so as not to lie on her stomach, which was apparently causing her much grief. Her ears and tail were drooping, and if she did attempt to walk at all, it was in tiny, shaking steps, not getting her much further than a few inches at a time.


I was very convicted about this animal/spirit concept that night, and at one point I sat on the floor in front of Andi, wrapped my arms around her neck and held her, gently stroking her fur, and whispered into her ear how much God loved her, and that Jesus died for all of us so that we wouldn't be captives to sin anymore. I told her how much God cared for her and wept at her pain. And I told her how I felt maybe a little crazy for telling her those things, but I wanted her to know. Just in case.


It turned out that Andi was just having some old-dog digestive issues, and she's still going. Not as strong as she used to, but she's still alive. 


But I don't regret "witnessing" to her at all. And I think I may try to practice this more often in the future.

Still debating...

...about going vegan. Would it be terrible to stay vegetarian but get my milk/eggs from local family farms? Hmm. I'm not against lessening my intake of dairy and eggs, but I just don't know that I'm ready to read every package label to see if there is a hint of eggs or some kind of milk protein in it. Just thinking.

Animals where you least expect them

Dryer sheets. Yep. They (most of them) use tallow, or animal fat, as the softening agent. So, I'm not using them any more. I just recently made my own detergent at home (from Borax, Washing Soda, and Oxyclean, plus a few drops of essential oil each load) and that completely freshens my clothes. And I tried it without a dryer sheet today, and my clothes had no static and they were just as soft as ever. So, yeah.

Also, a lot of refined sugars have been purified through carbon filters made from cows' bones. Supposedly the bones come from cows who died of natural causes and not from factory farmed cattle, but still. Ew.

And gelatin. Which is made from collagen from animals' skin and bones. Again, ew.

And finally, cosmetics, such as mascara, lipstick and lip gloss. Of which, fortunately, I use none. I'm kinda glad I'm a natural girl. I don't remember the last time I used make-up.

So, in my quest to discover more about how animals are used in society, I signed up for a vegetarian starter kit from Peta. A while ago. And it just came in my mail yesterday. I've been reading over the materials, and they're very interesting and have caused me to think. A lot. I'm definitely leaning more toward becoming vegan, but I'd have some serious meal planning to do and I just need to use up some of the food I have first before I can "start fresh," so to speak. But I'm looking into it.

And I am getting a little more vocal about the possibility of my husband going veg. I think he's a long way off still, since he told me today that he's seen many Peta commercials and knows about what goes on with animals and it doesn't bother him.

That bothers me. It really does.

The Word Wrapped in Flesh

So, something I've thought about quite often since becoming a vegetarian is leather bibles. As a Christian vegetarian, this kind of distresses me. If we're supposed to love all creatures, why do we put God's word, the most precious physical thing left with us of Him, in the skin of an animal? I've not read up on it much, but I've heard from various places (PETA  included) that the leather industry is pretty horrible. Of course, as a person who doesn't want to see any animal harmed, just the fact that animals are killed for coats, skirts and pants doesn't sit well with me. But to kill an animal and wrap its skin around the Word of God....well, yeah. And it seems the bible "industry" doesn't seem to care. They just know that people like "genuine leather" products, and that they can sell a genuine leather bible for at least $65.

I have to look into it more, but I haven't seen this topic discussed over at CVA. I may bring it up with them. It sounds like something they'd like to start a discussion about.

Any thoughts from anyone?


ETA: I did a Google search and found that in 2007 PETA sent a letter to Pope Benedict about this very subject.

Go Vegan for Lent

I've been a vegetarian for over two years, but recently I've been considering going vegan. This would give me a great opportunity to try it out, and I've been trying to convince my husband to try it too. I don't know if he would go vegan for lent; he may just try a vegetarian diet. But that would be a great start!

Misunderstood

It's been just over two years since I made the decision to be vegetarian. Since then, I've evolved quite a bit in my approach. Some changes have been for the better, some for the worse. But I'm still vegetarian. And most importantly, I am a vegetarian who is also a Christian.

I see no reason why the two can't - shouldn't - go together. But I have, over the past two years, gotten many raised eyebrows, scornful looks, or even condescending chuckles from fellow Christians, telling me either I won't last as a vegetarian, or some variety of "why the heck would you give up meat? God allowed it, so we should eat it."

To those people who would scorn the duality of Christianity and vegetarianism, I have several things to say:

1. Yes, I understand. God did allow humans to eat meat. He did not, however, command it. He made this provision for food in a time when there was little vegetation on the planet (after the flood). And when Peter has his dream about the clean and unclean animals, this is referring to the Jews and Gentiles, and how, in Christ, there is no longer a difference.

2. Yes, I know. Jesus ate fish. He probably ate lamb as well, if he was a good Hebrew boy and celebrated Passover. But He was the ultimate Passover lamb, and He taught compassion, even to "the least of these." In His death and resurrection, animal sacrifices for the atonement of sin were no longer required, and, I think, no longer desired. Jesus paid it all.

3. Back in the day (you know, when Jesus was around in physical form), the horrible conditions in which animals are brutalized, tortured, experimented on, and killed nowadays did not exist. They didn't hang cows up by the ankles back then and slit their throats to let them bleed out slowly. They didn't drug their animals with hormones to make them grow faster so they'd produce more meat so the owners could make more money. And they didn't have to dose them up with antibiotics because the conditions in which the animals were kept were so terrible that diseases were rampant. No, that's come about in recent times. And I really don't think, judging from His teachings, that Jesus is too pleased with these goings-on.

4. As a fellow Christian, you should understand and be supportive of the fact that God led me to my choice to be vegetarian. Just like He led you to your decision to be a musician/teacher/evangelist/missionary/businessman/fill-in-the-blank. For me, it is a calling. And I know now that it is a lifelong calling. Please don't put me down for following God's will.

I think I've ranted enough for now. I don't intend for this blog to be a big huge rant. I do intend to post positive things, such as research I find that helps me on my journey, as well as news articles about what's going on in the world, how vegetarianism can help feed the hungry around the globe, and humane animal treatment.