Weak Women

In the modern times in which we live, women are encouraged to be strong, to be fighters, to not be weaklings. After all, women fought (and are still fighting) against being known as "the weaker sex." 

It's wonderful for women to be strong. Actually, I think a lot of times, women are stronger than men where character and morals are concerned. There's nothing wrong with strength. Even physical strength. 

I think the problem lies in women believing that weakness is bad. All our lives we fight to overcome things. Some of those things come from outside of us - the opinions of others, workplace prejudices. But a lot of those things come from within us - our own opinion of ourselves, our fears (of failure, lost dreams, missed chances), shame, guilt, pain.

I think that too often we as women are concerned with being "the strong one" for our families. We often become the universal shoulder that our children, friends, and family members come to in their times of need. But we don't often let ourselves be "weak," even though sometimes that's exactly what we need to do.

Sometimes, we just need to let ourselves break down. We want someone to hold us, comfort us, brush our tears away. Sometimes, we want to be rescued. 

Paul says that it is in our weakness that God is made strong (2 Cor. 12:10). We can't always run the show. We can't do everything on our own. Sometimes, we just can't be Superwoman. But it's in the times of being unable that God is able. Allow Him to be your comforter, your healer. Yourshoulder to cry on. After all, He wants to pursue us. So why not let Him?

Great Un-Expectations

A lot has happened in my family this year. And most of it has turned out differently than we expected. So my mom used this phrase, "Great un-expectations," to describe this year. It's crazy. I've never had a year of so much upheaval before.

First of all, in January, my sister Ashley was going to travel to Spain for a study-abroad, but she wasn't able to leave in time for the beginning of the semester because there was a hold-up with her student visa. I had gone out to visit her the week before she was supposed to leave and I had planned on seeing her to the airport, but I got to spend an extra day with her. The following week, I found out I was pregnant with our first child. In February, I started hemorrhaging and thought I was going to lose the baby, but I was placed on bed-rest off and on for about a month and a half. All this time, my baby sister, Alyssa, was planning her wedding for June. In my mom's life, a guy she used to know popped up out of nowhere and started paying her some unexpected attention. In the beginning of May, my water broke. I ended up in the hospital for a little over two weeks before I gave birth. My husband and I held our baby, Genesis Aria,  for an hour and forty-three minutes before she breathed her last. A few days before Ashley came home from Spain, one of her male friends professed his undying love for her. And it wasn't who we'd all thought it would be. They're now dating. And just last week, I went out to South Carolina for Alyssa's wedding, only we didn't go to a wedding. Alyssa had called it off the Monday before, for good reason. And as my dad said, if there's any hesitation, it's better to be safe than sorry. 

All of these situations had the potential to turn out differently. And not all of them were bad. But the unexpected has been startling my family this year, and we're only half-way through the year! 

The thing about the unexpected, though, is that it catches us off-guard. And when it does that, our true nature shows through. If circumstances turn out badly, our reaction shows our character. And while I don't believe that God is the cause of bad things, like my daughter dying, I do believe that He works through bad situations. Of course I wish I'd had the chance to hold my baby longer, to nurture her, raise her, spoil her. But she's not here. And I can choose to be mad at God and let this cause a breach in my relationship with Him, or I can fall on my face before Him and allow Him to hold me through this. I've chosen the second option. Sure, I don't understand why bad things have to happen to people who have real, deep faith in God. But we live in a fallen world, and because humans let evil into their hearts and minds thousands of years ago, we all have to live with the consequences of that choice. But the point is that God is still here for us. Jesus died to cover our sins, but we still live in the here and now, in this fallen place, and we sill have to deal with the results of sin and evil and death. And though we don't like that, we have hope in our Lord that there is coming a day when everything will be made right again: hearts will be restored, bodies renewed, and hope fulfilled. 

That's where I want to live my life. This mortal life is too short to get caught up in brooding over the bad. I've set my heart on the good, and I'm determined to find that good no matter what happens.

So bring on the unexpected! My God can handle it. And through Him, so can I.

scars

you see the scars
upon my heart
many
deep
fragile skin
almost healed
broken again
constant pain
wounded
shame
i try to hide
these scars inside
no one sees
that's the goal
my heart
is mine
perfect life
or so it seems
how i break
same mistake
push me down
i won't get up
no strength
no fight
no will
no right
i see my heart
so scarred
so hurt
it weakly beats
slowly bleeds
you pick it up
hold it gently
in your hands
protected
safe
then i see
you take my heart
and replace yours
with mine
now yours
is scarred
wounded
you took my scars
my pain
my shame
it is not mine
to hurt
to grieve

it's yours

(c) 2006

This is a poem I wrote during a really turbulent time in my marriage. My husband and I had both done things to hurt each other; my parents were in the midst of a divorce; I was extremely stressed because of being a full-time student, part-time employee, and full-time wife; and I was suffering from depression. I wasn't sure that my marriage would be different from my parents' marriage. But God saw us through, and though the healing process has been slow, we have healed.

I am grateful that my husband and I did not divorce, which I contemplated during that difficult time, thinking it would be an "easy" way out, that it would solve everything.

But these kinds of scars are the very things I feel God calling me to bandage for other women. No, of course I can't take them away. I cannot take away the pain in anyone's life. I can perhaps help ease it a bit, but only by ministering God's grace to that person. It's only God, through His Son Jesus, who can take away pain.
And even though I knew that in my head since childhood, when you're faced with a lot of overwhelming situations all piled up on top of one another, sometimes you don't remember how to apply head knowledge to your heart.

He can take away your pain. He can heal your wounds. Yes, you may have scars. My heart is very scarred. But those scars bear witness to how much He loves me.

Let your scars tell others the story of how God loves you so much he pursued you even while you were beaten down, trampled, and abandoned. How He picked you up and held you to His chest so you could hear his heart beat, even though your own heart was barely beating. How, even when you thought no one could love you again, your Savior and Creator, who knows you better than anyone anyway, gently brushed the dirt off your face, looked you in the eyes and said, "I. Love. You." And said it so you felt it in your heart.

Let your scars tell that story.

The Journey Begins

God has called all of us to go on a journey. Our paths will all be different, but the destination is the same: the heart of God. Along the way, we will encounter potholes, detours, and heavy traffic. But these are all things that help us learn things - about ourselves, about others, and about God. Potholes teach us to pay attention to where we're going. Detours teach us that perhaps there is a better way around obstacles. And the traffic - we all know what that teaches us: patience.

My journey of course has not just begun. My journey began when I was born, as all of our journeys began. However, I am just now embarking on a new branch of my journey, and this branch will change my life forever.

God has called me into ministry. I am not going to be a pastor or a foreign missionary. But God has called me to use the brokenness in my past to help heal the brokenness in hurting women. I know that somehow I will use my writing and my voice (through speaking and singing) to reach out to people who are or have been in or are coming out of places of pain in their lives.

Everyone experiences pain at some point in their lives. It's what we do with the hurt and how we allow God to heal us that matters. If you are hurting, know that it is okay to feel the pain. A lot of times we try to hide what hurts us and the pain that comes from it. We feel ashamed or embarrassed, perhaps because of the situation or perhaps because we have this notion that we're not supposed to hurt. That is wrong thinking. Even Jesus experienced painful places (and I'm referring to times before His death). He was overwhelmed with sorrow and burdened by the weight of the sins of the whole world as He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. He hurt so much, he fell face down on the ground and prayed that God would relieve Him and take away the source of His pain, which was His inevitable death (Mt. 26:36-45). He was fully God, but fully human as well. He didn't want to die, and certainly not in the way He was going to. But God didn't take that cup from Him. Jesus willingly went through with it. And out of His pain, His death, came His resurrection and the opportunity for the forgiveness of sins and eternal life for all who believe.

What is God going to do through your pain? Maybe a part of you has to die, as Jesus died. But what can God bring about through that death? How glorious will your resurrection be after! And how many other lives could God touch through your pain?

This is the journey that I am embarking on. Over the next year, I am studying the scriptures to show myself approved to God (2 Tim. 2:15), so that I may follow His will and help others see that God can heal their spiritual wounds, and He can build something beautiful out of the wreckage of their lives.