Yep.
The kind where something from your past - even the tiniest little thing - lodges into your brain like a minute splinter, burrowing deeper, infecting your thoughts. And therefore affecting everything you do that day. I'm so much more internal today, I feel like I'm not as good a mom today - I've yelled at my daughter for stuff that probably didn't need yelling. I've gotten frustrated more easily. I've cried. I've been angry. A lot.
And I've prayed. A little.
Thing is, I hate hate HATE these recurring issues we sometimes face. They're really annoying and irritating and they make us question God as to why we have to go through them. Sure, there's a lesson to be learned somewhere. Sure, there's the whole idea that out of our brokenness God makes beauty.
But it still hurts. And it still affects life now. And it really stinks when you're trying to make the right decisions, take thoughts captive, what have you, and these things come along and just throw you off the track.
And the thing is, the vast majority of me really wants God to uproot the weeds that have grown up in the garden of my mind. And I know that that process can and will hurt - that it might tear up some of the good crop too. But I also know that it's necessary.
But then there's still this little part of me clinging to the weeds - trying desperately to call them flowers, trying to make the vast majority of me believe that the weeds are healthy, are good for me, maybe even better for me than the flowers.
This is the thing that I am dealing with today. Trying to get out of the tiny mindset that my bad is really good, and get back on track to where I can smell the beautiful fragrance of the flowers and appreciate the goodness that God has blessed me with.
Yeah.
i had a revelation last week. i was driving by downtown and i was wondering what they'd torn down to build this new skyscraper that's going up. and then i was like, "heyyyy." the city is growing. and the strength of the city is in its center, in downtown, where business thrive. and downtown is always full. so for it to grow, for said skyscraper, something else had to be demolished for growth to happen. not terribly unlike ourselves.
ReplyDeletei mean, i've always gotten the fact that we're broken, and that god puts us back together, and he grows us. but i've never really thought in-depth about the implications of real growth. how it doesn't happen as genuinely in the little ways, in easy changes and little works, it happens from the center. it happens raw. it happens where we're old and stuck in our ways, where it all started and grew outward.
kind of amazing.
(i really need to take those thoughts and put them in an order that makes sense and blog them.)
That is some beautiful imagery.
ReplyDelete